MY Feelings.

So I am not one to wear my feelings on my sleeves. I bottle them up and let them fester inside of me until I can't take it anymore. Then I get so far down in negative town that it takes a long time to come back around.
This blog is for me to express MY feelings on. I post what I want and I don't really care if it hurts people's feelings. That is what this post is about. If I offend anyone, too bad so sad. Cry me a river. Build a bridge and get over it.
I guess you could say that lately I have been visiting Negative Town quite often. In fact, they made me honorary Downer-Meister. I have been known to have depression for most of my life. It sucks. I even took meds to which they only made it worse. I saw counselors but knew how to fake it and get through them. I can fake my happiness pretty well... I think.
Anyway, I think what I am feeling is still postpartum depression. I love Ashlyn SO SO SO much and she makes me so happy. I could be in the worst of moods and she can flash me a smile and turn my frown upside down. I waited so long for her to arrive and can't see my life without her. I think that the depression is from always sitting at home doing absolutely nothing, all the time. I can't go for a drive with her because I am so afraid that she will quit breathing on me and I won't even know it. I know that I am missing out on so much because of that. But I love Ashlyn and would do anything for her. Even sit and home and do nothing.
Another thing is, that I miss my friends. All of them. When I do get to see some of you, I feel totally out of the loop at the things you say. I have no clue what you are talking about because you are off doing fun things without me. I am not saying this for any pity. I am stating facts of how I feel. I feel like I am in High School again, or hell, even Junior High when it first started. Is there something wrong with me? It makes me feel as though no one wants to be around me because of my negativity. I understand. I had my heart broken TWICE by guys because of my negativity. I am so happy that they both found girls who truly make them happy and that they don't have to deal with all my B.S. At the same time I am so jealous of them because they are happy. I should be that way, but I am not. I don't know why, I can't change it. I am also greatful for these wives to let me continue to talk to their husbands once in a while. They were, at one point, a big part of my life and I still care for their friendship.
So why can't I just make myself happy you ask? I have tried. I doesn't work.
I sit and think about all the "what if's" and "why's" and it gets me know where. Now I don't share this with a lot of people, but I have tried to end my life. Not recently, but I did. Actually quite a few times. I sit and wonder what made me not go through with it and the answer I keep coming up with, and what I told my counselor, is that there must be something that I know would make me happy and I would miss out on it if I completed the task. So far, it's been Ashlyn. I think that I just needed to wait around a little while and find out what it really was.
I know that I have major issues. I don't need any help to figure that out. I just need to figure out for myself what is important in my life. Do I really care that I am left out of a lot of stuff, or is it just Negative Nancy thinking that I am. Do I try to hold on to friendships that don't really seem to be there anymore? Do I just go sit in my bubble and clean it with windex all day?
I think that these feelings come out more around Christmas time because I really don't care for the Holiday. I care for the meaning behind it with Christ and all, but other than that it could just come and go and I wouldn't mind. I don't remember a lot of happy Christmas' growing up. Dad was never really into it and I am a total daddy's girl so maybe that is where I get it from. Who knows.
Well I am calling a town meeting for those in Negative Town so I will end this now. I am not directing any of this stuff to anyone in particular so don't get your panties in a bunch. Or boxers. Or G's. Or whatever you where. If you ask me who I might be talking about, well I ain't gonna say. These are MY feelings. It's a free country and until the 20th I have my freedom of speach. Obama is gonna take away my hand gun, maybe he will take away my freedom of speach too. If that happens I will still carry my handgun and still say what I want. Where I want. How I want. And who I want to say it to. Okay, I will probably just blog about it.
Love you all who truly care for me and my attitude. It's what makes me who I am.